Little Girl in the Closet

I recently had this dream of finding a little girl hiding in the closet. A close friend and my counselor both suggested that the little girl I found was me. They also recommended I write to that little girl.

Me: Hey babygirl, I've been looking for you. Can I sit in here with you?

Girl: Yeah.

Me: How long have you been in here?

Girl: I don't know, a long time.

Me: Here I brought you our friend.

Girl: Teddy!!!

Me: You know, its really dark in here. You aren't afraid of the dark?

Girl: It makes it safer like that.

Me: Makes what safer?

Girl: Nobody can see me cry in here. I can hide it better.

Me: Hide what better?

Girl: The secret.

Me: What secret? Can you tell me?

Girl: He said if I told somebody I would be in trouble.

Me: Who told you that you would be in trouble?

Girl: Uncle Ken

Me: When did he tell you this?

Girl: When he did stuff.

Me: What stuff?

Girl: You won't get mad?

Me: No honey. You can tell me anything.

Girl: He touched me. He said it was because I was bad.

Me: Did anything else happen?

Girl: He made me do things and it hurt. I'm scared he will know that I told you.

Me: Its ok to be scared, but I'm here now and I won't let him hurt you anymore. I'm glad you told me. Now we can face this together and you don't have to be alone anymore. Is it ok if I give you a hug?

Girl: Yeah.

Me: Sweetheart, you've held this inside for a very long time and its ok to cry.

Girl: He got mad if I cried.

Me: He isn't here anymore. You are safe. I say its ok to cry. I want you to remember something: What he did to you wasn't your fault. He didn't do it because you were bad. He did it because he is a very sick human being.

Girl: But he said I deserved it.

Me: He's the bad guy, not you. You were a good girl and very obedient. He took advantage of that. Nothing you could have done would deserve what he did to you. What he did was just wrong. He was wrong, not you. He was suppose to take care of you and be there if you needed something. He failed miserably!!!

Girl: I feel ugly and dirty.

Me: Thats how he wanted you to feel. But do you know what?

Girl: What?

Me: I don't think you are ugly and dirty at all. I think you are a beautiful little girl with a great smile and a big heart. You are strong and a fighter. You were very brave to go through what you did. And that past is over with forever.

Girl: What if he sees me again?

Me: I will be with you and I will fight him for you. I will not let him touch you again. And whenever you want to talk, I'm here for you. If you need a hug or even someone to play with, whatever you need I'm here for you.

Girl: Ok.

Me: Are you hungry? How about we go get some ice cream? Any kind you want!

Girl: Can Teddy come too?

Me: Of course! I say Teddy is our guest of honor and deserves ice cream too.

Warrior Woman

You knocked me down
And tried to keep me there.
You've used me for your own
Pleasure and enjoyment.

You've dirtied me up,
Making me feel used, unwanted.
You've stomped and trampled
Thinking I was broken,
Never to rise again.

But I've got news for you.
You, who are beasts and cowards.
You may have used me then,
But I will not let you win.

I am strong and will fight.
I may tire, but will not quit.
You may have brought me low,
But I will rise again.

I am not afraid of your threats,
Or your cunning ways.
I will fight with all I have,
Because I am a warrior.

Being a warrior means
I am worth fighting for.
I am beautiful, not ugly.
I am strong, not weak.

My precious daughter

Where are you my darling?

Why are you hiding from Me?

I want you to come to Me,

I love you with an everlasting love.

I see you hiding there,

In the dark, lonely corner.

You hide in fear

From those around you.

I see your bleeding heart,

Your tear-stained face,

Your broken dreams,

Your devastating sorrow.

I have seen you struggle on,

Trying to make ends meet,

Attempting to fill the

Emptiness you feel inside.

I've watched as you've built

The walls around your heart;

Trying to protect yourself and

Making your heart impenetrable.

Don't you see, My beloved?

I want to heal your wounded soul.

Allow Me to come into the

Fortress built around your heart.

Put down your defenses and

Allow My healing balm to

Enter the crevasses deep

Within your heart.

Open the door to your heart

And I will come in.

Trust in Me as your Strength

And Defender and Healer.

You are My precious daughter,

My beautiful bride, My princess,

My masterpiece. My love

For you is never ending.

Life's Tornado

This is the only poem I have from when I was writing in high school. Even then, I was struggling.

My place is such a wreck.

It looks as if a

Tornado came and camped

Out for the weekend.

There are clothes on the floor.

So much is just clutter,

That even when this place is neat,

It still looks so cluttered.

There are times in life when

It seems that my life

Looks and feels like this place

After a tornado has been through.

On the outside I look like

I have it all together;

Like my life is neat and clean,

And couldn't be much better.

But then on the inside

Where it really matters,

Its like a whirlwind has

Messed me all up instead.

My Teddy Bear

I had been in my late 20's before I ever told anyone about the sexual abuse that happened to me as a child. The only one knew what was happening as a little girl was my teddy bear. I still have this teddy bear too.

You sit on my pillow

Sometimes I take you along,

But at night in my bed,

I hold you very tight.

In your ear, I've whispered

My little girl secrets and fears.

I've told you my darkest secret

That nobody else knows.

After it happens, I lay on my bed

And squeeze you tight.

I'm scared, but can't tell

Anyone except you.

No one can hear me cry,

So I bury my face into you.

You let me cry

And soak up my tears.

I wipe my face;

Take a deep breath;

For I must go out and play

As if nothing happened at all.

A dream

I had attended a post abortion weekend retreat and this is what I had written to read at the memorial service which was given at the end of the weekend.

Laying in the grass, relaxing.

The sunshine beating down.

A slight breeze across the pond.

I fall asleep dreaming.

I'm deep in the woods.

The path is rocky and uneven.

Its dark and creepy.

I feel afraid and alone.

I stumble along wondering

If I'm giong in the right direction.

After what seems like forever,

I see light in the distance.

As I walk closer,

The darkness fades away.

I stand in the clearing

Blocking my eyes from the bright sun.

I hear child like giggles near-by.

Reaching the top of a hill,

I see a group of children

Playing and laughing.

There's a man with them.

He seems so gentle and caring,

Yet strong and comforting.

There is love in His eyes.

The children sit in the grass listening

To Him as He talks to them.

He holds a little girl in His arms

As He talks softly to her.

Quietly, I try to get closer

Wanting to hear what He is saying.

But before I can get close,

He looks up, right into my eyes.

He stood up taking two children

In His arms, with a third

Holding tight onto His leg.

They walked towards me.

I was afraid to look at Him.

He reached up and wiped

My tears away with

His gentle hand.

The children ran to me

Putting their arms around me.

"I love you Mommy"

They all said to me.

I hugged them tight, not

Wanting this moment to end.

Cherishing this time of

Having them in my arms.

A lound crash of thunder

Woke me from my sleep.

I looked for my children,

But my arms were empty.

Tears came as I realized,

This was only a dream.

But one day, maybe soon,

Would be a dream come true.



Baby Call

As a paramedic, I see a lot of pain and brokenness. Part of that is being there in the moment of death. Death has no boundries. It chooses its victim with no thought of age, sex, denomination, economics, or lifestyle. It happens to the old, as well as the young. This was written after an infant cardiac arrest just 2 wks before Christmas.

Our time together was short.

You stopped breathing while in

Your mother's arms and

Someone called 911.

You were rushed to my ambulance

And was laid lifeless on the cot.

CPR was continued.

Come on little one, don't go, not yet.

You are so young, only 12 days old.

Your family has just begun

To get to know who you are.

They have big dreams for you.

It was early morning

As we raced to the ER.

In those short three minutes,

We did all that we could.

Into the ER you went

Doctor and nurses worked.

Hoping, praying your little heart

Would start beating again.

An hour had passed by

The glimmer of hope was fading.

IV, drugs, oxygen, monitor;

Still nothing had changed.

Your family was there when

The doctor said to stop.

Your mother cried "No!"

Wanting you back.

Out in the hall, a nurse cried.

An overwhelming sadness,

Heavy hearts, after doing everything

Possible, you were gone.

Being a paramedic, I'm

Supposed to save lives, its

What I'm trained to do.

But I couldn't save you.

God has a bigger plan and purpose,

Sometimes I don't understand.

For whatever reason,

He took you home to heaven.

So little man, you will never have to face

The troubles and trials of life.

What better place could you be.

Merry Christmas little one.